Call me by your name

Nhân dịp Nga xâm lược Ukraïna, mình muốn viết về một sự trùng hợp: tổng thống của Nga và Ukraïna có chung tên. Ai cũng biết tổng thống Nga là Vladimir Putin, nhưng ít ai biết tên của tổng thống Ukraïna: Volodymyr Zelensky. Volodymyr là Vladimir phiên bản tiếng Ukraïna.

Vladimir (Влади́мир) là cái tên khá phổ biến ở các nước Slavic và được ghép 2 từ владь (vladi – trị vì) và мир (mer/mir – nổi tiếng, vĩ đại). Vì thế, nó có nghĩa là “nhà cầm quyền vĩ đại”, một cái tên khá xứng với Putin (nếu chỉ xét về mặt quyền lực, khoan xét về đạo đức). Tên này có xứng với Zelensky hay không thì phải chờ xem Vlad phiên bản nào sẽ chiến thắng trong cuộc chiến này.

Trong các ngôn ngữ hệ Germanic thì cũng có 1 cái tên mang ý nghĩa tương tự là Robert, gốc từ proto-Germanic Hrōþiberhtaz. Hrōþi nghĩa là danh tiếng và berhtaz nghĩa là sáng lạn. Có thể thấy đối với người xưa, chưa có internet, thì người nổi tiếng thường là vua, hoàng đế hay bạo chúa nào đó.

Người Mỹ chưa bao giờ có 1 tổng thống nào tên Robert, nhưng có tận 3 bộ trưởng quốc phòng mang cái tên này: Lovett, McNamara và Gates.

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2021

Some iconic, impressive themes or soundtracks I listened in 2021.

Hai Yo

Lost in Paradise

The Expanse

Netflix

Loki

Stranger Things

Love, Death + Robots

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Quote to live by

I don’t really know where to start.

Ok, let’s start with a book series. Oxford Very Short Introduction series. What is it about? It is a collection of slim, small books, each of which introduces a field (or a person, an idea) in an easy-read manner. Is it really an easy read? Well, it depends on the book, I think. If I remember it correctly, the first book of that series that I finished is Linguistics: A Very Short Introduction. But that’s a few years ago.

And then there’s an app. A friend of mine, someone I came to know when I was 18 (that is 8 years ago; we were volunteering in the same group) that happened to cross paths with me recently (we were coworkers), asked if I wanted to subscribe to the National Library of Singapore. I said yes. So she subscribed. The app is Libby. If you have a library card, the app lets you access the digital collection of that library. The National Library of Singapore happens to have a vast digital collection of Oxford Very Short Introductions. 

And then I was in the mood for some science. I didn’t recall why. After the Linguistics book, I knew where to come if I wanted some nice intros. Introduction, in general, is important. It decides whether a person’s path will take a turn. I checked out from Libby 3 Very Short Introduction books on Japan, China, and Korea. At that time I must have been in a mood for history. But after too much social studies, maybe I felt the need for some science. A particular book was promising: Magnetism: A Very Short Introduction. I thought about the iron filing experiment back in junior high school. How it didn’t make sense. I thought about magnets. What exactly is a magnetic field? And then I remembered some electricity from the bits and pieces of the memory of the high school physics lectures. What the heck is a charge? Why is it called positive? And what does negative mean? Just as how I couldn’t picture a negative weight, I cannot picture a negative charge. So let’s read some magnetism.

The author explains a certain experiment. What is its name? I don’t remember. I only remember that it was hard as hell to imagine the experiment with words. It’s like you’re reading a script and playing a movie inside your head. If it is some superhero movie then I guess it’s fine. But if it is Interstellar then good luck. So I searched on YouTube to watch the experiment – instead of reading it. Reading vs. watching – two different processes. Reading exercises your imaginative muscles. Watching doesn’t. Sometimes the easy way is worth a try. And that was the beginning of my habit of looking on YouTube for an explanation (or should I say, a visualization?) of something.

At some point in the book, the author discusses Maxwell’s equations, and the word ‘divergence’ pops up. I couldn’t imagine what divergence is. It seemed to be a mathematical quantity, but math should reflect something in reality, right? So I searched on YouTube for divergence. A video by a channel with some weird name, 3blue1brown, showed up in the first result page. And it had a very high view count (2.2 million views). Woah. How could such a science explanation video have such a high view count? The video didn’t fail me. It was so good, and Grant Sanderson (3blue1brown) became my 2nd hero (after Haruki Murakami), and probably the 4th person who has influenced me so much.

(The other 3 include my father, Haruki Murakami, and professor Zach Hawley. When I was a kid, my father gave me a walking quota (3 large loops around the neighborhood, or 6 small loops around the block); I was scared of his wrath so I tried to fulfill my quota and thus learned to be disciplined. Haruki Murakami led me to discover my love for fiction and (partly) nudged me into running. Zach’s awesome Intro to Microecon (Honors) converted me into an Economics major.)

3blue1brown has a playlist on linear algebra. His approach focuses on the visual intuition behind linear transformations, not the actual computation. People are visual creatures. Images and animations make us rely less on our imagination muscles, so we don’t have to work so hard to absorb the message behind them. The message, once embedded in our minds, condenses to be some kind of an intuition. Though nebular, it is there. Through future practice and reflection, that cloudy mess may give rise to a more concrete form, and that is when one truly masters a piece of knowledge.

Anyway, I decided to take Linear Algebra for Machine Learning on Coursera. I had tried that course in the past and had not gone past the first 2 weeks because it was mostly about calculations. Now armed with 3blue1brown’s videos, I was confident I would bulldoze through the course with a new weapon: the intuitions built via visualization.

Then YouTube’s recommendation algorithms kicked in. People who watch 3blue1brown also watch another channel, Veritasium. I believe I had watched a Veritasium’s video when I was reading Magnetism: A Very Short Introduction as well. The video is about the connection between relativity and magnetism. 

Since then I have been into mathematics and sometimes physics. I did finish the linear algebra course and have been working on its sequel, the multivariate calculus course. Along the way the instructor discussed Taylor series for approximations, and again I watched 3blue1brown’s explanation of Taylor series to help build an intuition. On the right of the screen, YouTube had been recommending a video by Veritasium with an outrageous name: ‘This equation will change how you see the world (…)’ It was mind-blowing (please watch it yourself; in fact, all videos I include here deserve a watch). 

I was supposed to write this prompt (‘A wisdom, or a quote you want to live by’) yesterday (23 June 2021) and couldn’t come up with any quote I wanted to write about. I browsed my Keep notes, where I keep a collection of good quotes I encountered while reading, but found no one good enough to live by. Some possible candidates:

It’s good to have small goals that can be easily attained. (Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid’s Tale)

[…] you can’t tell anything from photographs. They’re just a shadow. The real me is far away. That won’t show up in a picture. (Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun)

The power to concentrate was the most important thing. Living without this power would be like opening one’s eyes without seeing anything. (Haruki Murakami, The Elephant Vanishes)

Oh, well. No place has everything you need. (Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle)

Where there’s guts there’s curiosity, and where there’s curiosity there’s guts. (Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle)

Two-thirds of the earth’s surface is ocean, and all we can see of it with the naked eye is the surface: the skin. We hardly know anything about what’s underneath the skin. (Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle)

“People don’t always send messages in order to communicate the truth, Mr. Okada. […] just as people don’t always meet others in order to reveal their true selves.” (Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle)

Reality was utterly coolheaded and utterly lonely. (Haruki Murakami, 1Q84)

Time and freedom: those are the most important things that people can buy with money. (Haruki Murakami, 1Q84)

I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning. (Haruki Murakami, 1Q84)

Emotional hurt is the price a person has to pay in order to be independent. (Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running)

You can’t hate something so violently unless a part of you also loves it. (Paul Auster, The New York Trilogy)

“Well, we come here to the Fastnesses mostly to learn what questions not to ask.”

“But you’re the Answerers!”

“You don’t get it yet, Genry, why we perfected and practice Foretelling?”

“No–“

“To exhibit the perfect uselessness of knowing the answer to the wrong question.”

(Ursula K. Le Guin, The Left Hand of Darkness)

(You see, Haruki Murakami is endlessly quotable.)

I decided to choose none of the quotes above. I scrolled to read through the comments on the Veritasium’s video ‘This equation will change how you see the world (…)’ and saw one I particularly like:

“A common man marvels at uncommon things. A wise man marvels at the commonplace”

I googled it and it seemed the Internet agrees the quote is from Confucius. I decided this is the quote I want to live by.

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Things to do before I die

  1. Fluent in Mandarin. Road trip Tibet and China, especially the Northeast that borders Mongolia and Russia.
  2. Fluent in Japanese and read Haruki Murakami in Japanese. Meet him in person. Visit Japan.
  3. Fluent in Spanish / Arabic / Russian / Ancient Greek. Visit a South American country, Israel, and explore Russia via the Trans-Siberian Express. Maybe Greece?
  4. Visit an African country. Visit North Korea. Visit Greenland. If not Greenland, then Alaska. If Alaska, then finish Mount Marathon Race.
  5. Road trip USA. Visit TCU and meet the professors again, especially Dr. Hawley
  6. Finish Boston Marathon, UTMB, Marathon Des Sables, a 10k Oceanman, a Red Bull 400
  7. Try hang gliding and diving. Explore a big cave (can, but doesn’t have to, be Sơn Đoòng)
  8. Go back to school once my youngest kid enters college (see below)
  9. Get an MFA in Creative Writing; write a novel. And/or enroll in a science writing program. Long shots: have my short stories printed on the New Yorker and my science articles on Quanta Magazine
  10. Learn music theory, piano, electric guitar, bass, and vocal. Start a band?
  11. Learn physics and mathematics
  12. Learn cooking (maybe enrolling at the Culinary Institute of America?)
  13. Start a private foundation
  14. Open a cafe (theme: American presidents)
  15. Marry the woman I love, still in love with her after decades, and raise a kid to become an honest, kind and intellectually curious adult. Be able to send the kid to the US for a liberal arts education. Own and design the house which I, my wife and kid(s) will live in
  16. Take my parents to St. Petersburg (and many more places)
  17. Form a (movie) watching habit (start with Oscar list?)

What I have done / been doing so far:

  1. Form a reading habit (need to read more widely though)
  2. Practice yoga
  3. Learn data science: finish Datacamp Data Scientist with Python track, WQU Data Science Unit, and a master’s degree from Imperial / NTHU / Barcelona GSE / SMU

People become boring when they stop learning. People stop learning when they age. My goal is to age successfully.

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Sunday morning (9/8/20)

I was waiting for my students to come. I teach SAT on Sundays, and one class starts at 7:30AM. Today I rode at Ghost Rider’s speed from Bình Thạnh to D7, but when I arrived at the center, I remembered the students often came late. Today was no exception. At 7:38 only one student was there, and at 7:47 two more came (the class has only three students).

Before 7:38AM I was trying hard to be a good teacher, so I opened the coursebook and took a look at the practice test I was about to assign them for today. Last week we already did some reading, so this week was about writing.

Despite the name, SAT writing section involves zero writing, but instead reading. There are several passages with some underlined words, phrases, and sentences. These underlined portions are either too lengthy, gramatically incorrect, or content-wise irrelevant. The test-taker’s task is to fix these underlined portions (if necessary).

Outside it was sunny, and a truck was going backward. ‘Tèn tén ten ten ten tèn, tèn tén ten ten ten tèn ten’. It’s interesting that when trucks go backwards, a melody is played to signal that they are going backwards. The melody sounds awfully familiar but I could not pinpoint the name. I felt like it was a mix of European classical music and Hong Kong or TVB’s movie OSTs.

At first I was annoyed by the melody but then I grew to enjoy it and stared at the windows for a while. The sky was gray, but the sun was shining. The buildings were white and stark, reminding me of Soviet blocks. Is this scene what a Soviet resident would see when she woke up in the morning in one of the state-built apartments? Angela Merkel speaks Russian, and Putin speaks German. Ismail Kadare read Boris Pasternak’s forbidden novel in Moskva. What was life like in the Soviet era? The melody stopped, and some cars were honking. I imagined a Subaru. In Haruki Murakami’s latest novel, Killing Commendatore, the protagonist is obsessed with a guy who drives a white Subaru. North American lesbian couples love to drive Subarus (https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/06/how-subarus-came-to-be-seen-as-cars-for-lesbians/488042/).

My mind wandered away from Soviet and Subaru back to SAT writing. The passage was about whether goats, like dogs and horses, would look to humans when they need help. Dogs and horses are bred to be companied. Goats are bred to be livestock. If a being was raised to be killed, would it ask its future killers for help? I thought of Connected, a new docuseries on Netflix. Episode 1 is about surveillance. In Scotland some researchers are using facial recognition technology to distinguish between pigs. If they know which pig is sick (by detecting its emotion through facial recognition), they would be able to intervene early. Healthy animals are more productive. Some research concludes that happy pigs produce tasty pork. So the reason why someone makes you happy is that in the end you will taste good to them. Weird. And even weirder is the Orweillian setting of all this: this is an animal farm, and there is surveillance tech to watch every animal. PIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU. (Clearly the show’s script writer did a good pun job.)

Anyway, back to the goats. The answer is yes, the goats do look at humans for help. Domestication has social consequences to animals. The passage quotes Laurie Santos, (according to the passage) ‘a specialist in animal cognition’. Cool. Some people do really specialize in very niche things. (When chemicals blew up Beirut harbor a few days ago, I learned of the existence of nuclear bomb explosion specialists – those whose obsession is how nuclear bombs explode. They put their expertise in good use: they confirm on Twitter that the Beirut explosion wasn’t nuclear.)

I googled Laurie Santos and it turned out she was a professor of psychology at Yale. She has a pretty popular course both at Yale and on Coursera, the Science of Well-being. I did another google query, ‘laurie santos the science of well being summary’ simply because I wanted to be happy as soon as possible.

One of the key points of the course is ‘flow’.

In 1949 the Soviets (too much Soviet for one morning) took over Hungary, a Hungarian career diplomat in Italy resigned because he did not want to work for the Communist regime. The comrades took away his and his family’s citizenship. The diplomat and his family stayed in Rome and opened a restaurant. His youngest son dropped out of school to help with the family business. One day the son traveled to Switzerland where Carl Jung was talking about UFOs and psychology. The boy got hooked to psychology (instead of UFOs) and then immigrated to the US to study psychology at UChicago. His name was Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s most famous work is the coining of the term ‘flow’. To be in ‘flow state’ is to be ‘in the zone’. According to Wikipedia, flow is ‘the mental state in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity.’

I had zero patience for technical definitions, but I think I know what flow means. It’s the experience I have when I have been running for 6km and still running, or swimming for 800m and still swimming, or when I am doing an ultra trail marathon. That meditative, somewhat instinctive yet very mindful, experience. Suddenly I remembered a quote from Brewster: A Novel by Mark Slouka:

“They didn’t run, they flowed […] with a quiet, aggressive, sustained power that looked like nothing but felt like murder. . .”

He was describing a bunch of teenage boys running. The beauty of his prose lies in his verb choice: flowed. When I first read this sentence (it was in an SAT practice test), I believed ‘flowed’ was graphically descriptive. But now it seems the word had a positive-psychological bent (Slouka must have read Csikszentmihalyi).

(And oh, Csikszentmihalyi had an interview with Wired in the 90s. https://www.wired.com/wired/archive/4.09/czik_pr.html)

I began running in my freshman year in college (2014). My university had a big and modern gym, and I was overweight and had a crush on a girl, so I decided to run. I was still fat but could run 1 mile without break. At the end of 2015, I discovered that my university also had a nice library, and to kill time during winter break, I checked out a lot of books to read during that time when everyone was away and I was alone at the dorm. Among the books that I borrowed was Haruki Murakami’s What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. I don’t remember what the author says in the book, but I have one impression: this guy writes in a very simple way, so it is easy to write, and since running is parallel to writing, running should be easy, too. It was not until the end of 2017 that I began to run seriously (my definition of seriousness means 8 miles/day, 6-7 days/week). Despite a somewhat rough start (it took me 3 years to finally stick to this solitary sport), running has become a part of my life now. I always try to complete my running quota of the day, as if such an accomplishment and discipline in one sphere of life would translate to accomplishment and discipline in another sphere of life, or at least they would hold me together, preventing me from slowly deteriorating or falling apart. Csikszentmihalyi theorizes that people are happiest when they’re in a state of flow. Since the end of 2017, I’m not sure if I’m happy, but I’m dead sure that I live well. I live well because I run. Not only because I stay physically fit, but also because there’s a satisfying mental dimension to this consistent practice of fast bipedalism.

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Reading

Except for history books, I don’t read nonfiction anymore. Reading nonfiction nowadays is like chewing the same food over and over again. The author gets a big idea and paraphrases it over the next 10 chapters. Of course, some anecdotes and statistics are thrown in to ease the tedious repetition, but you get the idea. The act of writing a nonfiction book has become formulaic.
Of course, a good reader should not avoid nonfiction at all cost. Just because the repetition of a big idea bores you does not mean you should not get to know it. The issue here is how to avoid the repetition. The answer? Read book reviews, especially those from reputed sites like the New Yorker and the New York Times. The large chunk of a book review is the summary of that book. Book reviewers are serious readers and good writers. They distill the gist of an idea and condense it in the review so that you don’t have to go through the loop of words over and over again.
Besides book reviews, another source is articles written by book authors themselves. Book authors advertise their new books by publishing articles that summarize their books on websites like, again, the New Yorker and the New York Times. (They also do TED talks for the same reason). Reading these articles is enough.
This cannot be done with history books, however. Reading history is not about gaining an idea, but about constructing a mental image of the past. That mental image is too complex to capture in a book review. Imagine Mona Lisa is reduced to an 8-bit graphic (think Mario). You don’t look at 8-bit graphic to appreciate what da Vinci painted. Furthermore, history books are less opinionated than other nonfiction. Though they do try to make a point, the details about past people and events they supply give one enough room for alternative interpretation. In nonfiction, there is less space for such maneuvering.
Beside history books, I read a lot of fiction. If the value of a nonfiction lies behind its idea, then the value of a fiction lies in how the words unfold to the reader. In other words, reading summary of a fictional work is pointless because the most delicious parts cannot be compressed into a few hundred words, but must be tasted gradually through the pages. Reading fiction faces a different issue: not how to avoid repetition, but how to pick a good story.
My trick for choosing fictional works is simple: you don’t pick the stories. You pick the people who tell these stories. I like Haruki Murakami. A contender of the Nobel prize in Literature (though he is a little bit commercial for it), he is among the best writers. I read all his fictional works. Though some I don’t enjoy much, but I would say I like the majority of his writings (Kafka on the Shore, Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World, and Dance, Dance, Dance, Men Without Women). If you have a writer in mind, it’s reasonable to explore all his or her writings.
But there are countless writers. Now what? Time is too short to read all writers. You should only pick the best. The best are tested by time and given awards. After I read all Murakami’s stories, I was left clueless of what to devour next. Wikipedia told me he won the Jerusalem Prize, a prestigious literary award. Other recipients are Bertrand Russell, Jorge Luis Borges, Isaiah Berlin, Ismail Kadare, Karl Ove Knausgaard. I have read a little bit of Russell (who was the father of analytic philosophy, the dominant school of philosophy in English-speaking countries), and enjoyed his style immensely. I have not read much Isaiah Berlin, also a philosopher, but his essay on the hedgehog and the fox is an interesting exploration of how to classify intellectuals, which I also plan to read. I have finished some works by Kadare and rated his books at least 4 stars. Knausgaard’s writings I have not forayed into, but the first few pages of his “My Struggle: Book 1” struck me powerfully. And Jorge Luis Borges is now my second favorite writer after Murakami.
There are many prestigious literary awards. If you are into science fiction, Hugo awards is a good place to look for good writers to read. If you want to discover writers outside the Anglo-Saxon world, you should take a look at Man Booker International. Through Man Booker International I discovered Han Kang, the Korean novelist who is a rising star in the literary world.
This approach by-the-awards is also applicable for searching for nonfiction. If you need to pick up a history book, Wolfson History Prize is where you should start. Pulitzer Prize has many categories as well, among them General Non-Fiction, History, and Biography or Autobiography.
And also, excerpts of novels or short stories collection are always available on the publisher’s website or Amazon.
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A haircut

“Hello, sir. How are you doing?” The male voice was friendly, but with a professional touch. Nonetheless, it did not sound fake.
“I’m doing great. How are you doing?” I replied without looking at the barber, went straight to the small white board hung on the wall to my left, and wrote my name on it. Above my name, there were 3 other names. Two were crossed, and the uncrossed one was “Mike.”
I sat down on the black sofa next near the board. Picking sofas is an art. Sofas are supposed to be comfortable, and comfort helps win trust more quickly. I trust people who possess good sofas. Thus, I trusted this place, because it had good sofas.
In front of the black sofa I was sitting on was the door. Next to the door were two other sofas, a brown one and a black one. The brown one looked more majestic. A white old man in blue shirt, jeans and blue trainer shoes was sitting there. His hair was white and combed backward. He seemed a little bit uncomfortable; his eyebrows knitted together. I guessed his name was “Mike.”
To my left were two hydraulic barber chairs. Both were occupied by two white guys around my age. Two barbers, a man and a woman, were cutting. Three months ago, the man, who was also the owner, cut my hair. The woman might be a new hire. She dressed all in black and had very curly hair. From her dark complexion, I guessed she was of Hispanic descent. The owner, S., a guy maybe in his 40s, had big belly and wore a red short-sleeve shirt, jeans and thin-frame glasses. I knew his name because it was also the name of the barber shop.
The owner had some humor. A big white poster was hung on the wall, showing the prices. A haircut cost $30. Other related services cost from $25-$40. At the end of the list was “Bad Advice”, which was listed “Free.” Near the menu was a warning sign that said, “Unattended children will be sold.”
The whole shop was decorated with a car theme. Not new cars, but those in the 50s and 60s. American brands. On the table were some car magazines. I read a few pages and studied a few listings. Some old cars cost only a few hundred bucks. But some cost about $10k. To some extent, age correlates with fineness or beauty. For the owner of this shop, it’s cars. For some, it’s wine. For me, it’s 60s and 70s music. For the current president of France, it’s his wife.
The customer to whom the owner had been tending stood up, paid and left.
“I’ll get ready for you in a few minutes, Mike.” S. slowly but carefully swept the floor, collected the hair, and put it in the trash bin. Then he walked to the sink, got some washing gel, each of his hand gently massaging the other under running water. He did not seem to be in a hurry.
“My wife wants to make sure I get a nice haircut.” Old man Mike said.
“You’ve come to the right place, sir.” S. assured.
The female barber glanced at S. and Mike and smiled. Then she gave her customer the mirror. The guy, a red head, pondered for a while. He pointed at a point on his head and asked if she could cut it shorter.
“No problem, sir. I can do that.” The female barber replied. She had a light accent.
“Now that looks great.” The red head guy stood up and paid. “Keep the change.”
“Thank you, sir. That’s so kind of you.” From her expression, I guessed she was used to receiving tips.
“I’ll get ready in a few minutes. Thank you for waiting.”
“No problem.” I tried to finish a few paragraphs of the novel I was bringing, but tempted to look at her, to see how she was getting ready.
I thought about my father. What would he do if he were here? He was the kind of customer who allowed only the owner to touch his hair. If I brought him here, he would not sit on the chair unless S. cut for him. I would dig a hole and jump down there if possible.
Just like S., the female barber slowly but carefully swept the floor, collecting every single red hairpiece and putting it to the trash bin. Then she washed her hands in movements that were identical to those of S. earlier. And she did not seem to be in a hurry as well. It was like the whole cleaning/getting-ready process was standardized. These movements felt like music, so rhythmic, so effortless, so mindful, so meditative.
“What do you want today, sir?”
“Just a normal haircut.”
“How short it would be?”
“Hmm, I am not really sure. I don’t bring my phone with me, so I cannot show you the picture of how short I want.”
“Maybe we will start with a number 4. After that, if you want it shorter, I can do that.”
I had no idea what a 4 was, so I just nodded. She put a paper ring around my neck and wrapped the cutting cape around my body.
I did not know what to say to my barber. Somehow, barbers had this weird power over me. Once I sat on the chair, I relinquished all my opinions and autonomy. They became my masters. They did whatever they wanted to my hair, and I would not say a thing. Something was holding me back. I was too afraid to say anything, an irrational fear, given that it was my hair and I paid for the cut. Next to me, Mike and S. was talking about Medicare and glasses. Mike said his glasses cost around $350 without Medicare. S. said he bought his glasses online for just $31. Then S. and Mike discussed the style Mike wanted. The old man gave instructions in great details. Oh well, Mike had decades of experience regarding going to barber shop. He knew how to speak truth to power.
I looked at the menu again. Bad advice for free. Well, if that is the case, then self-help books should be free. Why? Because they are essentially bad advice. How can you expect that the self-help author, who knows nothing about you, can solve your problem?
Quite a few pieces of my hair were already on the cape. I picked up a few and examined them closely. They were black and wet and sticking together. Like some kind of carbon cable. Well, that’s not a wrong description. Something about this blackness sucked my attention.
“That’s all your hair.” She smiled. Maybe she thought I was trying to figure out whose hair it was. She wanted to assure me that this barber shop was a clean place.
“Ah, I’m just thinking about the color. When I got a haircut in my country, I only saw black hair. Here, there are so many different colors. And also, different textures.”
“That is so true! When I first came to barber school, I was shocked. Too many colors. Too many textures. My life up till then, I had only seen curly hair, which is my hair.”
“What kind of hair you think is the hardest to deal with?”
“I would say curly hair.” She paused for a few moments; maybe she was looking at my hair, whether it was balanced. Then she continued: “Everyone in my family has wavy hair. My father used to have very curly hair, but when he gets older, his hair becomes wavy. So, I often tell him once I get older, my hair will be wavy, just like him.”
Maybe the hardest things to deal with are ourselves. Just like how the barber is afraid of curly hair and has exactly that kind of hair. Maybe time can make hard things go away. Just like how as her father got older, his hair began to turn wavy instead of curly.
I thought about my father again. He had wavy hair. Mom said his hair used to be very curly, like instant noodles. Then my mind wandered to the time when I was in 5th grade. I was attending a cram lesson in Math, preparing for the entrance exam to the only magnet middle school in the city. At the end of class, the teacher asked a question. It went something like this: “in a city, there is only one barber, and X citizens who don’t know how to cut hair. The barber declares, I will only cut hair for those who cannot cut their own hair. How many people will the barber cut for?” If the barber does not cut his own hair, so according to the assumption, he should cut for himself. But that disqualifies him. There is something circular here.
“Do you cut your own hair?” I asked the barber.
“Oh yes, I do. Since 15.”
What did I do when I was 15? I still went to the barber shop with my father. If I decided to write a history of my hair, the most dominant figure in that history would be him, just like how Konrad Adenauer dominated the history of (West) Germany during the period after WW2. He dictated the style, how short it would be. When I was in high school, we still went to the barber shop together. He would still make the call; the only difference was that I rode him to the place. He got old, and I got big, so I took charge of the ride. We reversed roles, but it was not a full transition. Transportation-wise, I took him to the barber, but I did not think I would ever make the call on how his hair would look like.
“How do you cut your own hair?” Somehow, I became quite curious about this. Some people have the ability to help themselves. For example, a few can cheer themselves up. A few cook every meal they eat. Then there’s this barber who cuts her own hair.
“Oh, I do it like this.” She paused, and pulled her hair forward, in front of her face. “I would tie my hair into tails and pull each tail forward. With the tail before my eyes, I would cut it piece by piece. Then I would put it back and look in the mirror.”
“Hmm, interesting.” The technique was simple, yet clever.
Maybe helping oneself is easier than we think. What we need to do is to take a look at ourselves and see and adjust.
“When I was 15, I still let my father decide what my hair would look like.” I told her.
“That happens sometimes. I have a few customers who always tell me to adjust this and that without asking their children. I feel bad for the kids.” From her tone, I think she genuinely cared about the kids.
“It did not really matter to me though.”
“Before 15, my mom cut my hair for me. But she did not know how to cut hair. Every time she cut my hair was different. When we look at the photographs of that time, we laugh so hard.”
“Maybe she was experimenting with styles. She wanted you to look good.”
“My hair has always been curly, so styles don’t matter.”
Cutting hair is serious business. A bad hair can ruin a day. A bad haircut can ruin a month, or even months. Barbers face the same obstacle medical doctors have: they must acquire their skills with practice on real humans. Doctors dissect dead bodies. Do barbers cut hair for dead corpses? Or do they practice with mannequins with fake hair? These are serious questions, as serious as the causes of the financial crisis of 2008. Think about Donald Trump. His barber faces a lot of pressure. If the president’s hair is messed up, and given the president’s temperament and control of U.S. nuclear arsenal, who knows what will happen?
“I have this question. It sounds silly, but I have to ask it. How can you have many heads with hair to practice?”
“Oh, I went to a barber school. There they offer $5 haircut. People come in, and we practice on their head. With supervision, of course.” So, in the end, economics saves the day. Cheaper price creates an expectation of lower quality. But lower price also means higher quantity demanded. So, people who do not care about hair would go to these places, and the apprentices get the chance to improve their human capital.
“Oh, I see.”
“At first I freaked out because there were so many different kinds of hair. But then I got used to it. Some customers, when they went there, they always requested me.”
“I can understand why. You are good.”
“Yeah. I cut about 460 haircuts in 9 months. By the time I graduated, my instructor asked me to work for his shop. I declined because I had better help S. We are married, and he has this shop.” Now it became clear to me that she was S.’s wife. She was not a new hire. She was a co-owner. Husband and wife worked together in a small business, and the business had a very good reputation.
“Where is the barber school?”
“Oh, it is called [xxx] barber school. It is in Grand Prairie.”
“I see.”
“They are very nice there. The instructors are very caring and dedicated. They would stay with you the whole time and correct each small mistake you make. The students are also nice. I would say we learn together and from each other.” She was very fond of her school, and it seemed to be a family to her. Somehow, her stories made me happy.
“But what I am afraid most is not cutting hair, but English.” She paused for a while. “English is not my native language.”
“I get that. When you cut hair, you have this pressure to talk to the customer, right? I’m the quiet type, so I’m fine with no talking.”
“Yeah, sometimes it is so hard for me to find a topic and talk naturally to the customers. Unlike S., I don’t have a sense of humor. When a customer walks in and forgets to sign in on the board, he would joke, the customer would get the joke and sign in. I would just, oh hello, please sign in.”
To be honest, I enjoyed my conversation with her. Knowing how barbers cut their own hair and how they practice their craft is not something you expect to learn in college, like Calculus or Intro Microeconomics. Over there, her husband S. and Mike were talking about some old Buick car.
On my way back to the apartment, I walked past a sport field of a high school. The students were playing baseball, and the music was blasting the whole space. It was “Wannabe” by Spice Girls. Perfect, timeless song for high school era. Next, it was “Dancing Queen” by ABBA. I thought about my high school years, all the lost haircuts I should have had, and all the silence I endured with the barbers. Then I pondered over my college years. I thought about all the body weight, money, innocence, temper, patience, beliefs, and ideals that I had lost. It was kind of sad, until I touched my hair and realized that I gained one big thing: the courage to strike and keep a conversation with the people who cut my hair.
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Choice

I notice that what I have learned during my 2 years at college revolve around 1 concept: choice. How people make choices? Do people really have the freedom to choose? Is that kind of freedom important? etc. These questions more or less pop up in the classes I have taken, though they have never been explicit about their subject – choice.
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One topic in Philosophy is free will and determinism. It is about whether people can make choices out of their will. The simple picture is this. Future events are determined by current events. Current events are determined by past ones. Making decisions is an event. Thus, the decision we make, or are about to make, in fact, have already been determined. Events happen million years ago dictate that. Human beings, therefore, do not have free will. The world is deterministic, and whether you are successful or failure does not depends on your choices because such freedom to choose is just an illusion. Anyway, this is just one view. But the core question remains the same in many different perspectives: “Do people really make choices?” (Or, more precisely, do people really have the ability to make choices?) After all, when we make decisions, our brains undergo some kind of chemical and physical process. And the physical world is deterministic. Object 1 interacts with object 2, resulting in this physical state. This molecule interacts with that molecules, resulting in that physical state. The world is simply an aggregation of physical events. If that is the case, then isn’t our freedom to choose illusion?
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Economics ignores this question of free will and determinism and assumes that people can and do make decisions with their free will. Economists are more interested in answering “How people make choices?” People are complex. But economists are notorious for simplifying things. They think of human beings as creatures who want to maximize happiness (or in economic jargon, “utility”). And since resources are scarce, when a person decides to use her resources, she will choose based on the utility brought about. That leads us to Consumer Theory (those who study microeconomics will know this). Budget constraint (how much money do you have) and indifference curve (how happy you are when you consume this amount of these goods). Given that you have $10 and you want to buy pizza ($5 each) and coca cola ($2 each). What is your choice? 2 pizzas or 5 coca colas? Or 1 pizza and 2 coca colas? It all depends on how much utility I get from these goods with the amount of resources (money, in this case) that I have. That’s the economists’ theory of how a single person make choices. What if there are many people who make choices? Economists come up with “Game Theory” (“Multiple people decision theory”). The goal is still maximizing the utility (which game theorists often call “payoff”). But here’s the twist: one’s action can affect the well-being of the other. In other words, there is inter-dependence. The most popular case in game theory is “Prisoners’ Dilemma.” Two criminals are arrested. If both decide to “rig” the other, they are both sentenced to 5 years. If one rigs and the other remains silent, the silent get 4 years, and the one who rigs get only 1 year. If both remain silent, they are set free. How would the prisoners choose?
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Sociology concerns with choices in a different way. Though they do not radically disregard free will as many philosophers do, most sociologists think that individual choices are kind of illusory. People do make choices, but under the influence of some kind of structural system. People are not individuals born out of the vacuum. They live in groups and communities. These groups and communities shape the choice or determine what options are available to the individuals. For example, I make the choice of going to college. But that happens only because I was born into a relatively well off family. My parents can afford to send me to private lessons so that I was well prepared enough to pass the university entrance exam. The socioeconomic class I was born into instilled in me the belief that education is valuable. It cultivated in me the habit of relating education to a better future. The choice of going to college, really, is made by me, but under the structural influence of the social group I live in. Another example concerns the status of women. Some people argue that women are naturally more suitable for child rearing and home maintenance, so they choose to become housewives. But others, especially the sociologists, contend that we have a repressive masculine society the institutions of which undermine women’s rights and choices. Behind these institutions lies the belief that men are more important than women. Men go out to the world while women must stay home to support them. Not until after World War 2 (when all the men went to war) did American women really enter the workforce. Sociology, then, thinks about choice in contexts. The discipline is about “What structural cause does this choice reflect?
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Historians think about choices, too, but with a temporal sense and in rich contexts. They examine specific decisions that really did happen in the past. In this discipline, the question is “Why was this decision made, and what did it lead to?” Why did the Japanese decide to bomb Pearl Harbor? Why did this attack trigger the US involvement in World War 2? In a sense, history allows determinism: past events lead to current events. History also accommodates free will. You can notice that there are plenty of accounts of important historical figures who made the right decisions at the right time. These decisions were not deemed as a result of some deterministic process, but rather the product of some presidents and generals’ genius. History looks at choices in a different angle: it looks at the meaning and significance of a choice.
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[This note is kinda long, and may contain many grammatical/spelling mistakes because I’m too lazy to edit.]
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A Uber ride

The silver Toyota Prius stopped in front of the Oriental Bank branch on Stockton Street. The three of us got into the car. I sat in the front passenger seat, a demanding position because assuming this seat means entertaining the driver.
“Where do you come from?” The driver asked. He had an accent.
“Vietnam,” we replied.
“Oh, I am Vietnamese, too!” He then babbled some words that were supposed Vietnamese, and I had no idea what he was talking. The only phrase I could comprehend was “anh thuong em”. Obviously some guys were teaching him to pick up girls. Bad teachers.
“Your Vietnamese is really good.” I complimented for his effort and friendliness. “Where did you learn these words?”
“Oh, from my friends. They taught me a lot but I can only remember a few.” He laughed.
“Which culture do you come from?” Previously another Uber driver, a white guy, asked us which cultures we came from, instead of ‘where’. I believed he was conscious of that the US was a diverse place, and we three Asians might be American citizens. Asking ‘where’ might offend citizens who were not white.
“Yemen. In the Middle East.” He replied.
“The capital is Sanaa, right?” Last semester I had to memorize maps and capital names for quizzes. Yemen was on the quiz because the US was killing ‘terrorists’ there with drones.
“Yeah, you know my country! That’s great!”
“Do you visit there often?”
“Actually I just visited a few months ago. To visit my relatives.” He said nonchalantly.
“But there is a civil war. I mean, bombing everywhere.” I thought about Trump’s Muslim ban but did not mentioned it.
“Yeah but people don’t care. They bomb the military barracks or government buildings. Not civilian houses, though there are some exceptions.”
“People still live normally?”
“Pretty much. Parties still go on. People still go shopping. Kids play soccer on the street and hear the sound of the aircrafts. And continue playing. No big deal.”
“Wow.”
“But you have to open the windows though. I had to move from one hotel to another because I closed the windows. When the bomb was dropped, the windows would be shattered if closed. So you go to sleep with your windows open. That way, the windows would not be broken.”
“Good tip.” I paused for a few seconds. “There are some Vietnamese in Yemen, right?”
“Oh yeah, there is a small community of Vietnamese there.”
I ran out of small talk topics. Shotgun seat was so demanding.
“Are you a Muslim?”
“Yes, I am.”
“You guys don’t eat pork, right?”
“Yeah, we don’t eat pork. But we do eat beef. Oh yeah, let me tell you this story. It is so funny.”
“Yeah?”
“So there’s an Indian guy in my office. One time I was so hungry I said, I could eat a cow! He got so mad at me and complained to the boss. The boss asked me why I did that to him. I asked, what? The boss said, “you said you would eat beef in front of him.” Then I learned Indians do not eat beef.” He laughed.
“He took things too literally.” I remarked. So I ran out of small talk topics again.
When we were in Mission district, I attempted small talk again by asking about Muslims’ dietary habit.
“Do you drink?”
“Oh yes, who does not drink?”
“But Islam forbids alcohol, right?”
“In Yemen, they do have a free zone where people can drink. And also, people drink all the time, outside that zone. The government just turns a blind eye.”
“Is it the case in other countries?”
“Yeah. Everywhere. Even in Saudi Arabia.”
“Do you have to go on a pilgrimage to Mecca once in your life?”
“I don’t know. Maybe not. I have lived a good enough life.”
When the Prius came near my friend’s house, I asked one last thing.
“Do you believe in God?”
“Maybe. But I also believe in myself.” He chuckled.
I hope my friend had given him 5 stars.
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Language

1.
There is this scene that has been etched in my mind for a long time. It was a Saturday night. I was in grade 4. There was something fun on the street. Someone was calling my name to come down and have fun outside. I don’t recall what the occasion was, and who was calling me. That’s not important. I was tempted but decided to delay the gratification for a few minutes. I pulled out a Let’s Go textbook to review for Sunday’s English lesson at VUS.
And then a spark flashed in my head. When I think about the first time English made sense to me, I think of this spark. I trace my mastery of this Germanic language to that fateful Saturday night.
Probably the spark was about these two sentences:
  • I do not eat fish.
  • Where do you live?
As a 4th grader, it was pretty exciting to notice that the word ‘do’ appears in negative and interrogative statements in English. I felt like languages, English in particular, are logical stuffs. You put pieces (in this case, words) together in accordance with some rules. The pieces should fit like LEGO. My job is to learn the rules of fitting things. Pretty neat.
As a kid I was pretty good at figuring out rules. Case #1: Super Sentai’s megazords. I figured out how to put robot parts together pretty quickly. Case #2: Pokemon GBA games. I taught my VUS classmates how to get pass certain obstacles in these games. There are hidden items somewhere, or someone the protagonist should talk to. Find these out and you are good to go. And then case #3: English language. English is precise and logical. Grammar is just a fancy term for ‘rules.’ Vietnamese isn’t the same. I don’t think of grammatical rules when writing in Vietnamese.
But English is a weird language. Why isn’t it the case that:
  • I not eat fish
  • Where you live?
Other Germanic languages like German or Norwegian aren’t like English. There is no ‘do’.
Ich esse keinen Fisch. / I-eat-no-fish
Jeg spiser ikke fisk / I-eat-not-fish
Similarly, for Vietnamese:
Tôi không ăn cá. / I-no-eat-fish
2.
15 years later, when I think of that Saturday night, I think of a poem by Wang Ping. It is as follows:
Syntax
She walks to a table
She walk to table
She is walking to a table
She walk to table now
What difference does it make
What difference it make
In Nature, no completeness
No sentence really complete thought
Language, like woman,
Look best when free, undressed
3.
I spent the first day of 2015 on an old couch in a cozy house in a small Southern town in the U.S. In that town there are two types of people: art students and old people. You can also smell horse shits. I don’t think the couch was long enough for my body. I woke up early and did not want to bother the host, a friend of mine. So I pulled out a small hardcover book with the colors red and white, What I talk about when I talk about running. I don’t remember much what is in the book, but there are two things that stuck with me at that time: writing is easy, and running is easy. Or at least that’s how Murakami made me feel. I run regularly now, but I don’t think writing is easy.
Murakami wrote his first novel on the kitchen table, after cleaning up his jazz bar. He tried writing in English and then translated it into Japanese. So for a while I only wrote in English. I felt more control. I could get exactly what I wanted to convey.
Sometimes getting what you want makes things much less interesting. English is like a ruler. A ruler is used for precision. I use English to get as close as to what I want to say. But precision is a part of science, and science has its root in logic and philosophy. In the end, my writing was nothing but dry stuffs that fit together but lack enjoyment. Straight lines bring order, but curves arouse people. Curvy bodies evoke sensations and emotions. (Sex demonstrates this point.)
So I become a different person when I write in English. Neat, but boring. How can Rushdie write such curvy sentences in English? I don’t know.
4.
A friend of mine recommended ‘Story of Your Life’ by Ted Chiang. Aliens, called Heptapod because they have 7 limbs, come to the Earth, and a field linguist is dispatched to communicate with them. She has to learn their languages. They have a written language, called Heptapod B. Human written languages all have directions (left to right, right to left, up to down). Heptapod B has a circular shape, so it is impossible to tell which direction one should read sentences write in this language.
Directions mean sequence, and sequence means a linear concept of time: there are things that happened before (past), are happening now (present), and will happen later (future). Human written languages have directions, so humans think of time as linear and sequential.
The Heptapods’ written language is directionless, so their concept of time is non-linear. When one looks at the circle, one sees everything at once. Heptapods don’t see time as past first, present second, and future later. They see all past, present, and future at once. A simultaneous mode of thinking.
The main character, field linguist Dr. Louise Banks, learns Heptapod B and adopts Heptapods’ way of thinking. She can see the future: she will marry her colleague and bear a daughter. The daughter will die young.
In linguistics, there’s this hypothesis, ‘one’s perceptions and feelings are determined by the languages one speaks’ (Sapir-Whorf hypothesis). There have been a lot of debates to what extent this hypothesis is true.
Has English done something to me that is similar to what Heptapod B has done to Dr. Banks?
5.
I once told a person that I wanted to learn all the languages of the United Nations, starting with Chinese. That wish has come to a halt. But sometimes I wonder, what if I spoke a third language? I am not happy these days. But I don’t want to use the word ‘sad’. It leaves out too much nuances. Maybe with the right words from a language that is neither Vietnamese nor English, I can pinpoint exactly my situation. Just as a ruler fails to measure a curve, English (or any single language) fails to catch the depth of the human mind. Maybe another language can help. Portuguese offers ‘saudade’ for my case.
Maybe even Portuguese or any other language cannot help. There are things words can’t describe.
Luckily besides words, we also have music.
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